It's been a year and plus plus already since the day I was dumped. I still hate it to be honest, and that's so annoying.
I've moved on greatly, alhamdulillah. And that's true, by hating it makes it doesn't hurt.
Awal-awal tu kononnya mahu sembuh dengan kedamaian, will not hate the person, will just forgive and forget slowly then easily, crying to calm sadness and the feeling of being betrayed, blaming myself, texted the person again, begged to work things out again. Stalked the person on social media, still saved the person's number and all, masih berharap yada yada because I just couldn't hate that person because deep in side, I still want the person to be my man AT THAT TIME.
But, nope all of that didn't work. So, one day I prayed hard to Allah SWT. Ya rabb, show me something obvious so that can be one solid reason to "hate" that person since I thought that was the only way to shut this person out of my mind and heart. And the next day, yeah sue me I stalked again, and saw a comment from a girl in one of the person's posts with lovey dovey emojis and that person replied just exactly as the same vibe. I feel like vomit to picture the comments again gosh!. And yes that's the moment I knew, I need to stop hoping for the person who took me months to realise he was actually none other than a trash bag who's a traitor!. Finally I can hate this guy so much! so I deleted the person from my life, like totally removed and washed the person away from my memory.
I cut off and blocked everything related to the person. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G
It took me months to be really really brave to shut the person out of my mind. MONTHS.
And I never feel this light since the day the person gone from my life. I feel so much lighter like a feather with you of my mind aaaaA~ (yup I'm singing haha)
I'm not crying anymore, I'm so happy right now, I still sad for what the person ever done to me actually but, I already dealt with it and I swear, I hope I'll never see that person ever again in my life. Please. Just, be gone forever from my life, don't show up infront of me.
So I think this will be the last about my tragic love story in this blog. I just feel like I need to write about this, for future lessons. I'm so done with love for now. I don't want to get invloved anymore. I'm in the end of my twenties, and I decided to be rich aunt and be there to my loved ones anytime until I die :)
Here's my summary of phases in moving on journey, I hope people who can relate with this will learn their lessons as much as I did :)
1. Screaming, Crying Phase
Banyak menangis, sampai macam siapa sahaja yang aku jumpa masa tu aku akan bagi tahu yang aku sedang "hearbroken", aku nangis depan family dan kawan-kawan aku di mana-mana sahaja bila aku terdetik untuk rasa sedih. Bayangkan, depan family in public pun aku "crying ugly" apa lagi kalau seorang-seorang. The peak of rasa kecewa tu sebenarnya bukan sebab ditinggalkan pun tapi sebab kasihan dengan diri sendiri dipelakukan sebegitu lepastu rasa sangat tidak adil untuk aku yang merana while the other party maybe is living his best life (which when I found he's with other new girl, ha lagilah aku rasa dikhianati. Rude!).
Lain lagi struggle untuk masuk kelas mengajar seperti biasa, lepas tu habis masa mengajar aku masuk kereta untuk menangis lagi. Dalam surau, toilet ha menangis sajalah kerja aku. Aku pernah balik awal sebab aku tidak dapat sembunyi sudah kedukaan aku melainkan menangis berhabisan. It was so dark back then and I don't want to repeat it ever, ever, ever and ever again!.
2. Long texted Phase
So, bila sudah tidak terbendung rasa kecewa itu melainkan dengan air mata setiap hari dan setiap malam, maka I comforted myself with sending messages to that person dengan sangkaan dengan berbuat demikian aku akan okay. Tapi rupanya, it was hurting even more.
I asked for my friends to give me comfort words for me, and they did effectively subhanAllah. I love my family and friends. Because, you know what I feel so blessed, when non of my family members and friends blame me for not being wise in loving someoen. Not a single person judged me for being fool out of my situations. They supported me with warmest hugs and kind words!. And that really-really helps!.
3. I thougt I was okay Phase
Sometimes I'm okay but sometimes I don't. Basically, was faking myself. In denial, still.
I remember I was saying sorry to myself everytime I cry because if this. "I'm sorry myself, I cried again last night". "I'm sorry myself, I cried again today". I keep in track on how many "sorry" I did in a day in a private telegram group. But since I've moved on, I deleted the group eventually.
Still keeping things and memories like photos and favourite conversations.
6. Stalking and Please Phase
I stalk social media, still saving the person's phone number and letting my whatsapp status updates available to be seen by the person, finding any reason so I can message the person. Was still hoping the person will come back to me by doing that haha!.
7. Pray Hard, I'm Tired Phase
Long awaiting, was so fed up and started to pray harder. Minta Allah SWT tolong detached my feelings towards that person in no matter what and ways.
8. Throwing and Deleting Pictures Phase
Took me tons of brave to start deleting pictures and everything related to that person. Gift, things, chats, everything was washed away from my devices and my space. Not a single thing left and hiddend. Everything was thrown.
9. Answered Phase
Here's where I said, Ifeel like Allah SWT answered my du'a. I saw the comments as I mentioned above. That's the turning point I might say.
10. Hate You Phase.
I started to hate the person. And disgusted by everything he made me feels. Oh I ever did this, everytime the person crossed to my mind I will "istighfar" as if syaitonnirrojim is trying to fool me again so I want the person back haha!. But seriously, it works on me!
11. I've Moved On Phase
Alhamdulillah. I'm finally in this phase. Alhamdulillah. It takes time to heal. Slowly but surely.
Saya berharap sesiapa sahaja dalam perjuangan bangkit dari kekecewaan kerana cinta manusia, terus diberi kekuatan dan mengambil sepenuh pengajaran atas semua yang berlaku. Eloklah tinggikan standard dan biar orang yang betul-betul "mahu berjuang" sahaja yang layak untuk mendapatkan keikhlasan perasaan cinta kita. Gituuu ya ayat orang yang baru siap moved on? haha.
It's not the end of the world pun. Allow yourself to heal, just do whatever you think will spark your joy again. As for me, I blogged my feelings out (haha I have labelled only for heartbreak journey), I adopted kittens and loving them so much. And for sure, cats don't betray you haha!. I learned playing Ukulele and took Malaysian Sign Language classes and omg I'm stepping into my final semester for my postgrad studies already yeay!.
Alhamdulillah for the "kekuatan" Allah SWT gave me, the supports from my family and friends are spectacular in making my moving on journey this far.
I see the daylight again, and I hope you'll do soon too :)
Assalamualaikum wbt. Hi. Aku menyedari rajin aku update blog ini sejak kebelakangan ini, tapi update tersebut hambar sekali ya tanpa gambar hehe. Demikianlah seorang Zafirah yang agak sukar menemui jalan kerajinan untuk transfer gambar dari telefon ke laptop bagi memeriahkan suasana setiap post dalam blog ini. Sekarang ni dalam mood membersihkan dan menyusun folder-folder gambar dari phone ke laptop (itu pun pinjam laptop Ayip mueheheh) jadi alang-alang tu update lah blog untuk mengabadikan memori di internet lalu senang kalau mahu belek-belek kenangan di masa depan nanti gituuu. So, let's enjoy my memories with SMKTT for the first time! Ya harusklah ada gambar depan pintu pagar sekolah sebagai bukti bagi rasminya saya sebagai ahli SMKTT ha gituuu. Aku guru kelas. Ni lah kelas aku. Masa awal-awal buka sekolah selepas PKP 2020 awal July hari tu, guru-guru lah susun kedudukan meja ikut SOP yang telah ditetapkan. Label semua lah cikgu-cikgu buat. Perlu ya show off gambar-gambar...
Assalamualaikum wbt. Hi! Have I told you that I have a best friend named Nurul?. I think I've wrote her name somewhere in my blog. Oh well, she's one of my Tawau besties and wallahi I love her so much! Tawau is so close to my heart, it feels like another home after Kota Belud. Since the first day I stepped in, I knew Tawau will take a huge part of my life and I'm not wrong when I got to know Nurul as one of the precious people I met there. Since 2020, from the small talk of "I saw your name on the list and get to know that you're just a year older than me and I think we're the most junior in thist school". From that moment, I remember I have a thought about how I wanted to be her friend since we're quite "sebaya" so mesti boleh get along well. But, that's not the very point of how we're getting close. It's actually when we were on duty for SPM at SMK Pasir Putih, Tawau early on 2021 if I'm not mistaken. We were both the only ...
Bismillah. Assalamualaikum wbt. Hi. It’s 4th November 2025 (Tuesday). A lovely day to update this other corner of mine, because today marks 11 years since we’ve been living in this world without Bapa. Eleven years. Amazing how Allah SWT strengthened us through all of it. Alhamdulillah. And not a single minute passes without remembering him. We still talk about Bapa at random times, in random places, whenever something reminds us of him. We still love him deeply, and miss him endlessly. Today I want to share one of the many things I learned from Bapa. A lesson I never realised was a "lesson" back then. At that time it was funny and cute . But, to think of it again, it's one of the sweetest and the loveliest sides of Bapa. Bapa's self-bought cake on his 53rd birthday. Exacly on 03 February 2012. Tell me, how many people do you know who buy their own birthday cake and proudly request their name and age to be written solid and clear on it?. Because Bapa did it, for r...
Assalamu'alaikum. ok, sekarang in mood mahu tulis pasal aktiviti yang paling common dan paling menjadi kemestian bagi pelajar-pelajar sekolah aku yang bergelar budak SPM! iaitu........... menawan tangki sekolah! amboihh! siap ada anak panah ok untuk menunjukkan tangki tu. Hendak dijadikan cerita pada zaman dahulu kala tinggallah dua orang budak SPM yang tidak mahu pulang ke rumah sejurus habis peperiksaan Biology kertas tiga hari selasa (27.Nov.2012). Mereka sengaja untuk tidak mahu balik sebab konon-konon tidak mahu missed saat-saat terakhir di asrama.Dalam keadaan itu, dua orang budak itu tinggallah berdua-duaan dalam dorm mereka manakala roommates yang lain sudah balik rumah masing-masing. Pada malamnya, dua orang budak tadi tu sempatlah juga singgah bilik TV lepas mandi untuk tengok apa movie yang ditonton oleh kawan-kawan yang turut tidak balik bermalam di rumah masa tu, dan mereka tengok cerita ni... A Crazy Little Thing Called Love ...
Assalamualaikum wbt hai! Tajuk cukup gempak apa tidak tu? hahah/ Tapi ya, ini haruslah diceritakan dengan teruja kerana aku adalah pencinta sejati gajah sejah bertahun lamanya! Ok jap, ingat balik tarikh bila *scroll instagram posts sendiri * ok, found it. 17 Jun 2019 (wow months ago baru beringat mau update di blog ya Zafirah?) Seingat aku, plan ini dikepalai aku dan mengajak Sarah sekali, tapi sarah just cannot go well, you know bukan semua ada masa free macam kau ya kak. Asked some friends too, but still they can't join. But, still its okay. I doubted my self. But, I have this one thing minggled in my mind at that time, "This is my final semester, and this is my dream, this is the only time and the easiest way before I go back home and far from all these by distance!" Jika anda mengenali Zafirah, nekad dia sangat tinggi. If she wanted it that bad, she'll try to get it no matter how". Justeru, dengan ini... mengembaralah seora...
Comments