heartbreak anniversary.

 

Assalamualaikum wbt. Hey.

It's been a year and plus plus already since the day I was dumped. I still hate it to be honest, and that's so annoying.

I've moved on greatly, alhamdulillah. And that's true, by hating it makes it doesn't hurt. 

Awal-awal tu kononnya mahu sembuh dengan kedamaian, will not hate the person, will just  forgive and forget slowly then easily, crying to calm sadness and the feeling of being betrayed, blaming myself, texted the person again, begged to work things out again. Stalked the person on social media, still saved the person's number and all, masih berharap yada yada because I just couldn't hate that person because deep in side, I still want the person to be my man AT THAT TIME.

But, nope all of that didn't work. So, one day I prayed hard to Allah SWT. Ya rabb, show me something obvious so that can be one solid reason to "hate" that person since I thought that was the only way to shut this person out of my mind and heart. And the next day, yeah sue me I stalked again, and saw a comment from a girl in one of the person's posts with lovey dovey emojis and that person replied just exactly as the same vibe. I feel like vomit to picture the comments again gosh!. And yes that's the moment I knew, I need to stop hoping for the person who took me months to realise he was actually none other than a trash bag who's a traitor!. Finally I can hate this guy so much! so I deleted the person from my life, like totally removed and washed the person away from my memory. 

I cut off and blocked everything related to the person. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G

It took me months to be really really brave to shut the person out of my mind. MONTHS. 

And I never feel this light since the day the person gone from my life. I feel so much lighter like a feather with you of my mind aaaaA~ (yup I'm singing haha)

I'm not crying anymore, I'm so happy right now, I still sad for what the person ever done to me actually but, I already dealt with it and I swear, I hope I'll never see that person ever again in my life. Please. Just, be gone forever from my life, don't show up infront of me.

So I think this will be the last about my tragic love story in this blog. I just feel like I need to write about this, for future lessons. I'm so done with love for now. I don't want to get invloved anymore. I'm in the end of my twenties, and I decided to be rich aunt and be there to my loved ones anytime until I die :)

Here's my summary of phases in moving on journey, I hope people who can relate with this will learn their lessons as much as I did :)

1. Screaming, Crying Phase

Banyak menangis, sampai macam siapa sahaja yang aku jumpa masa tu aku akan bagi tahu yang aku sedang "hearbroken", aku nangis depan family dan kawan-kawan aku di mana-mana sahaja bila aku terdetik untuk rasa sedih. Bayangkan, depan family in public pun aku "crying ugly" apa lagi kalau seorang-seorang. The peak of rasa kecewa tu sebenarnya bukan sebab ditinggalkan pun tapi sebab kasihan dengan diri sendiri dipelakukan sebegitu lepastu rasa sangat tidak adil untuk aku yang merana while the other party  maybe is living his best life (which when I found he's with other new girl, ha lagilah aku rasa dikhianati. Rude!). 

Lain lagi struggle untuk masuk kelas mengajar seperti biasa, lepas tu habis masa mengajar aku masuk kereta untuk menangis lagi. Dalam surau, toilet ha menangis sajalah kerja aku. Aku pernah balik awal sebab aku tidak dapat sembunyi sudah kedukaan aku melainkan menangis berhabisan. It was so dark back then and I don't want to repeat it ever, ever, ever and ever again!.

2. Long texted Phase

So, bila sudah tidak terbendung rasa kecewa itu melainkan dengan air mata setiap hari dan setiap malam, maka I comforted myself with sending messages to that person dengan sangkaan dengan berbuat demikian aku akan okay. Tapi rupanya, it was hurting even more.

I asked for my friends to give me comfort words for me, and they did effectively subhanAllah. I love my family and friends. Because, you know what I feel so blessed, when non of my family members and friends blame me for not being wise in loving someoen. Not a single person judged me for being fool out of my situations. They supported me with warmest hugs and kind words!. And that really-really helps!.

3. I thougt I was okay Phase

Sometimes I'm okay but sometimes I don't. Basically, was faking myself. In denial, still.

I remember I was saying sorry to myself everytime I cry because if this. "I'm sorry myself, I cried again last night". "I'm sorry myself, I cried again today". I keep in track on how many "sorry" I did in a day in a private telegram group. But since I've moved on, I deleted the group eventually.

4. Heart of Doughnut Phase.

I wrote about it in my blog, READ HERE

5. A Keeper Phase

Still keeping things and memories like photos and favourite conversations.

6. Stalking and Please Phase

I stalk social media, still saving the person's phone number and letting my whatsapp status updates available to be seen by the person, finding any reason so I can message the person. Was still hoping the person will come back to me by doing that haha!.

7. Pray Hard, I'm Tired Phase

Long awaiting, was so fed up and started to pray harder. Minta Allah SWT tolong detached my feelings towards that person in no matter what and ways.

8. Throwing and Deleting Pictures Phase

Took me tons of brave to start deleting pictures and everything related to that person. Gift, things, chats, everything was washed away from my devices and my space. Not a single thing left and hiddend. Everything was thrown.

9. Answered Phase

Here's where I said, Ifeel like  Allah SWT answered my du'a. I saw the comments as I mentioned above. That's the turning point I might say.

10. Hate You Phase.

I started to hate the person. And disgusted by everything he made me feels. Oh I ever did this, everytime the person crossed to my mind I will "istighfar" as if syaitonnirrojim is trying to fool me again so I want the person back haha!. But seriously, it works on me! 

11. I've Moved On Phase

Alhamdulillah. I'm finally in this phase. Alhamdulillah. It takes time to heal. Slowly but surely.

Saya berharap sesiapa sahaja dalam perjuangan bangkit dari kekecewaan kerana cinta manusia, terus diberi kekuatan dan mengambil sepenuh pengajaran atas semua yang berlaku. Eloklah tinggikan standard dan biar orang yang betul-betul "mahu berjuang" sahaja yang layak untuk mendapatkan keikhlasan perasaan cinta kita. Gituuu ya ayat orang yang baru siap moved on? haha.

It's not the end of the world pun. Allow yourself to heal, just do whatever you think will spark your joy again. As for me, I blogged my feelings out (haha I have labelled only for heartbreak journey), I adopted kittens and loving them so much. And for sure, cats don't betray you haha!. I learned playing Ukulele and took Malaysian Sign Language classes and omg I'm stepping into my final semester for my postgrad studies already yeay!. 

Alhamdulillah for the "kekuatan" Allah SWT gave me, the supports from my family and friends are spectacular in making my moving on journey this far. 

I see the daylight again, and I hope you'll do soon too :)

You got this! 

Thank you for reading!.

Fighting!